The List

Angel Jimenez. His own erotic fantasies. Union City, NJ. 1955

Two 6-7 year olds back in the late 1950's whose mother caught my friend and me experimenting with her daughters in Union City, NJ. Thanks to their brother spilling the beans and opening the garage door just as we were in the act. I don't think she saw much because we never heard from the mother but then, neither did we see the girls again.

Beverly H. and her sister Barbara. Both a little older than me. Nothing except fantasies. Union City, NJ. An older boyfriend of theirs had this really great bike with fat wheels (conventionally fat), multi-colored tassles hanging from the bars and every accessory imaginable--you could palpate the envy here. I never knew if it was because of the bike or because of the mount.

Nancy and Ramona from Washington School in Union City, New Jersey. I was way too timid to even look them in the eye.

A beautiful girl from Union Hill HS who lived on 48th Street, Union City, NJ, or thereabouts. Again, I was too timid.

Marcia J. from Rutherford. First or second date. One timer. I wasn't aggressive enough with her or I sent her a 45 she didn't like or her parents didn't think much of me. Whatever. She did have the nerve to go out in a snow storm with me to a disco in NY. When we came back, she kept asking, "Is that all?" Boy was I stupid then. I beat out George Costanza on that one. I thought it was important to be a gentleman on your first date.

Anita P. First or second date. One timer. My first and only date with "big'ums." Moved to Florida and that was the end of it. I would have made inroads, especially post-Marcia, but Anita was Portuguese (I think) and those people like many believed in chaperons.

Dianne. College. Sophomore year. Lost my virginity to this very sexy lady. Oddly enough I never accepted deviant sex from her even though it was to become the norm in my life.

MJ. Married her. Still there. She had what I always needed. A pretty face and a svelte bod with never an objection. Lesson to married couples: let your man stray and he'll always return home. Wifes, please understand that it's different with the female because of biological principles--you must not stray during the child-rearing years. The husband is jealous because this emotion minimizes the possibility that he will be stuck caring for a child half of whose DNA belongs to another man.

Paula. College. Senior year. Greek lovely whose feet I enjoyed massaging. Alas, MJ had captured my heart. There was also this lovely blond at a performing arts class that I took but MJ had captured my heart. Had MJ not come along, these would have been very fair game indeed and I may have married either one of them instead of MJ.

Teresa. Work-related. A few lunches. A horse ride where she demonstrated how sexually liberated she could be with horses. I gave her a painting of horses I had done. She was more interested in my friend John, though. After she was let go by my boss, I never saw her again.

Mary and Lydia. A resurgence of puppy love. Lydia's boyfriend once called me to say that if I ever again made a move on Lydia (I had kissed her on the cheek), she would tell Personnel about it.

Michelle. Was there soon after my wife's infidelity. She was engaged though and always thought of me as a fossil. Just a super subtle flirt who knew how to keep me in check. She was a good person though. She got her mother to give us diapers and ointment for one of our kids. Most importantly for me, she never threatened me with a trip to Personnel.

Annie. An odd situation. The only inkling that flirtation was going on was that she parked near me. But I convinced myself that it was only coincidental.

Susie. Married to a cop. Never even touched. Didn't know if she flirted back but I imagined she did. My biggest excitement came when I saw her and her husband at a company picnic at Great Adventures. At one point, I saw her arguing with her husband on the line to the cable car. At the other end, there she was, alone on a crowded bench wearing eyeglasses. What did I imagine? That she was trying to make her husband jealous and was setting me up for a confrontation with him. I never looked at her the same way again although she remains in my top three.

Recently (Summer/Fall 2007), I started to exercise at James Braddock park in North Bergen. My radar was still functioning and I found myself staring and wishing once again. There was this slim younger blond but she was always with this androgynous person. There were a few Russian "wives" that always tickle my fancy. One was with an obese man--they never returned. One read magazines at a bench and, at one time, she looked at me directly and started to dance to her ipod but I was never one for the improvisational flirtation and I just looked at her and passed her by. I think I hurt her sense of femininity and she never returned.

Then, there was the homosexual. I know he was interested in me because he was always around even when I altered my schedule to confound him. I've never been one to tell gays to kiss off, preferring, instead, to ignore them while hoping they go away. This one never did and I had to severely change my habits for him to get the message. It got so bad that I was considering wearing a left ear lobe earing and, at one point, I asked him if he had seen the nice hottie that was seated on a particular bench the day before--he hadn't of course. Older gays are such sad creatures. Civil unions should be legal for what life is it to always be in search of your next partner? That is not to say that homosexuals do not philander but it seems to be less of a problem because when you see a gay couple they tend to be an exclusive number.

I came across a picture of a copywriter and I wrote her to tell her how she reminded me of Paula the Greek. Alas, she was married and way too young for me. But a true lady; responding to my email with all the charm and good sense of a southern woman although she herself was Northwestern.